We don’t talk about children’s cancer.. no no no!

I’ve been a bit lapse with updating this blog lately but things had been good and I felt at peace and fairly happy. Between my running, my job and my children I was content and also super busy. Then the bomb hit.. Dylan has relapsed AGAIN. We know it’s in his spine, we believe it’s also in his skull and we are currently waiting a scan to check everywhere else.

Originally the scan was planned for this week. However unlike the rest of the world, hospitals are not dropping covid restrictions and the requirement is still to shield before procedures and that only ONE parent can attend. 

SO to make it fair we agreed that Mike would do the scan and I would go for the gene biopsy. Dylan will be having a general for the scan due to the length and complexity of how they are doing it and the biopsy is extremely risky as it is his spine so it is being led by CT. 

We hadn’t had a biopsy date through only a pre op, so Mike took time off work and him and Dylan shielded for the scan. I continued to work. Then the scan got moved back slightly BUT the biopsy got pulled forward to the original scan date..

Now this is great as we needed it done asap however this now means I cannot attend EITHER as I haven’t been shielding. This has devastated me as let’s be honest what parent wouldn’t be upset at the thought of not being there when their child wakes up from surgery. But now the decision has been taking out of my hands and I can’t be there at any point. I’m frustrated, emotional and downright angry. But not at the restrictions, the fact I didn’t take the time off work as suggested by my boss, OR even the date getting moved as we needed it asap. What I am frustrated at is this..

Back in the first lockdown there was a lot of media attention over the restrictions on maternity services. And I get it 100% as Mike actually wasn’t there when Dylan was born as he was an emergency c-section under general. But let’s be completely honest, it wasn’t just maternity..

The oncology ward we go to has had a one parent rule the whole time and no sibling visits. Can you imagine being a young child faced with a brand new scary cancer diagnosis and the prospect of weeks (or even months) stuck in hospital and only being able to see one of your parents. Imagine brothers and sisters stuck at home scared and feeling helpless too, not being able to see their poorly sibling at all. It’s awful to think about let alone talk about. And for teenagers it was even worse, past a certain age NO parents were allowed at all same as for adults. But what teenager has the emotional resilience of an adult, what sixteen or seventeen year old in the face of cancer wouldn’t want a cuddle during procedures from their parent/carer. We also have to talk about the fact that a most of children’s cancer treatments, especially at the beginning, are done as inpatient stays rather than just in day clinics like adult care. But we don’t talk about kids getting cancer… no no no! Unless it’s on a certain big tv show where they use the heartbreaking “bald kids” stories for the bulk of the night to generate money but then childhood cancer research only actually only get 1% of that.. but I digress. 

Supermarkets don’t go gold in September selling merchandise for children’s cancer like they go pink for breast cancer. There isn’t a huge scale race dedicated to fundraising for children’s cancer every year across the country. But there was once a time when breast cancer was considered rare and a “taboo” subject. It took YEARS for charities to break the silence and get to where we are now. We need to be doing the same for ALL cancer as it’s not as rare anymore and people need to realise how this pandemic has impacted services. Scans and treatments have been delayed, people haven’t received diagnoses until it’s been too late. Macmillan estimates that across the UK there are currently around 50,000 ‘missing diagnoses’ compared to the previous years diagnosis statistics. More than 650,000 people with cancer in the UK have experienced disruption to their cancer treatment or care because of Covid. For around 150,000 people this included delayed, rescheduled or cancelled treatment.

We need to speak up and let our voices be heard. We NEED to talk about all cancer!

Changing the Narrative & Taking Control

I am the author of my story. I am changing the narrative and taking back control of my life.

I lost myself a while ago. To the stresses and strains of being a ‘cancer mum’ and an unpaid carer. I tried to use my experiences to raise awareness and to use my voice for good.. But it got spun into a sensationalist story (thanks Daily Fail) that got me abuse and heartache. I then hid in the shadows and let my voice turn to a whisper.

Well NO MORE!

I found myself through running after it first all went down and now after years of working on my own self love, I have finally worked up the confidence to step back out of the shadows. I am changing the narrative to my story. I will use my voice to bring awareness. I will use the opportunities I get to raise vital funds. I will not let childhood cancer win, I will not let PTSD and anxiety win. If my son can fight... THEN SO CAN I!

Watch me, I am going to go far... 

Anxiety & The Subconscious

I just wanted to take some time this morning to share my experience of how anxiety can manifest, even when you think you’ve got it under control.

Last night my husband cooked dinner, he doesn’t do it very often these days since he works a tough job and I’m home all day and get chance to prep things, but I had a terrible migraine so he offered. When we went to bed and fell asleep I had a nightmare that he had left one of the gas hob rings on and the house exploded. I woke up and instantly had to go downstairs and check them and I laughed to myself and thought how that moment of me not controlling a situation led to my anxiety to slip in. It also made me think of all the little things I do without even realising like checking all the doors repeatedly or checking the fire alarm before bed every night.

Last week was also the anniversary of the day Dylan went into respiratory arrest at playgroup and needed CPR, thank you Caroline, we miss you and can’t wait to see you when this is all over. But seriously FIVE whole years.. can you believe it?! That little boy I was told wasn’t going to survive until Dad arrived and was likely brain dead from oxygen starvation is now almost 8 it’s crazy. Anyway, the reason I’m writing about this anniversary is that for the first year ever I actually didn’t register the date. With homeschooling and trying to juggle everything I don’t even know what day of the week it is most days let alone date so I didn’t even notice it this year. However the days leading up to the date I had terrible nightmares about Dylan being on life support etc. When I mentioned it to my husband, he pointed out the date. So even though it wasn’t in the forefront of my mind, my subconscious knew. 

Off the topic of anxiety, yesterday was international childhood Cancer day and lots of people took to social media to share their stories or symptoms and I chose not to. I am in a better headspace (well at least consciously) than ever before and I don’t feel rehashing it all would be particularly helpful. As we approach Easter weekend it’s always a hard time for us as a family and we get bombarded with people sharing Facebook memories and posts they sent us when Dylan was on life support the second time, and it is hard to not let anxiety and PTSD take over without fueling the fire more.

We are keeping busy, keeping active and staying safe and that’s all a lot of us can do right now in this pandemic. Speak soon guys.. take care!

Overdue Update

It occurred to me late last night that I haven’t blogged in so long! Between living through a pandemic and homeschooling three children I’ve let things slip it’s true. When I first started blogging it was a release for me, to put the things I was feeling down and get it out of my system. Then when Dylan finished treatment the first time I started running and found a new escape and a love for exercise, so writing took a back burner as I didn’t need it in the same way.

Despite the challenges that 2020 bought I am proud of all I achieved, I managed to finish my level three teaching assistant course, and I ran lots, including the virtual Race to The Stones 100K and the virtual London Marathon. My eldest ran with me and got up to six miles, he has continued this and wants to do a 15K this spring.

But I think the biggest achievement of 2020 has to go to Dylan.. as he finished treatment again! Yep that’s right.. Surprise! Bet you thought we had another year left of Chemotherapy didn’t you?.. So did we!! It turned out on doing his 12 month review that he didn’t actually relapse in his lungs like a certain other hospital originally noted, it was isolated to his spine. Had this been confirmed at the start he probably would have had a different type of chemo but at least the one he did have we knew the side effects from last time. That being said, because it is a stronger chemo it was deemed twelve months was sufficient. His recent MRI looked great, lots of healing going on and no signs of active disease so he is NAD (no active disease) status!!

A extra big thank you to End of Treatment Bells for loaning us a bell so he could celebrate this momentous occasion at home with us all in November. Because of Covid restrictions it wasn’t possible for more than one parent to accompany him to the ward and of course we all wanted to hear him ring the bell. When he saw his professor and got the good news I was lucky enough to be called on speaker by dad so I could hear it. They had gone for Chemo and been told that the consultant wanted to see him so I worried it was bad news from the MRI and panicked when my phone rang but luckily it wasn’t and I believe I screamed out loud! 

As 2021 begins we are of course back in Lockdown and homeschooling again. For me I am using RED January as a way to keep my mind healthy as well as my body. RED January was started to encourage people to be active everyday and raise money to support those with mental health problems through exercise. Check out Sport in Mind to see what they do. 

Speak soon xoxo

Nativity & Update So Far..

Today at the end of his school nativity, Dylan made me cry. After the last song was finished, the headteacher came up to say a few words, as is customary, about the show itself. He then goes on to explain each year how they do not charge admission to the show but instead use it as a chance to teach the children about those less fortunate and raise money for charity. This year the school’s chosen charity is the children’s cancer ward at Nottingham QMC and it was explained that they were chosen because they are supporting a child at the school. As bold as brass, Dylan turned to face our direction and gestured to himself quietly exclaiming ‘that’s me’ with a cheeky grin! My reaction was to half laugh, half cry and whisper ‘yes I know darling’ before hiding my face behind Logan so I could compose myself! This to me just totally sums up this kid and his attitude towards this disease, he knows he is poorly, he hates it and feels it’s unfair and rotten sometimes but he won’t let that stop his beautiful bright personality from shining through and lighting up even the darkest times!

A lot of people keep asking how he is, and truthfully he is up and down but he doesn’t let it stop him. He has his moments of weakness and where things frighten him or the pain gets too much, but luckily a lot of the time his zest for life keeps him strong.

We’ve recently found out that even though only a few vertebrae have noticeable damage, traces of the disease could be seen throughout his entire spine, it doesn’t bare thinking about what might of happened if we hadn’t found it when we did, especially when one vertebrae was almost destroyed in a matter of weeks. We don’t know much about his lungs only that there were small new cysts, when he has his scans in January sometime to check treatment is working we may know more.

He has had 2 rounds of Chemotherapy so far, out of a potential 36+ over the new two years. The schedule is 4 days (with 2 doses on day 1) every three weeks. He has his line accessed every Monday for blood tests and so far his counts have held steady, they may change when the steroids stop early January. He isn’t really suffering too many side effects yet apart from tingly leg pains and weight gain but again this may change when the steroids stop as they counteract some of the symptoms and stop his ‘allergic’ reaction of sorts to one of the drugs that he had before.

We are very lucky that he is at home currently, most of his treatment is done in clinic or at home by the community team, so unless he becomes unwell with a fever we don’t need to be on the ward.

Because he has a central line that feeds directly into a vein by his heart, any fever must be treated as a line infection until cultures are clear, because there is a risk of sepsis. In the case of a fever it would be an admittance onto the ward, so this is why we are very careful with Dylan being in contact with people who are unwell, especially when his infection fighting white blood cell count becomes low from Chemotherapy. This also means we have to be super careful with everything we do to keep the actual line free from bacteria such as dressing changes on the insertion site, and keeping the end of the line clean and dry. We also have to be very careful of it being pulled out of course, this is why he has a ribbon around his neck.. it goes down to a special fabric pouch that keeps his line clean and held safe against his body to minimise the risk of pulling accidentally. Certain activities are off limits though such as contact sports and soft play, which we have had tears about because of birthday party invites sadly that he can’t attend. 

His next round of Chemotherapy does unfortunately start on Christmas Eve and we will have to travel to hospital for a dose on Christmas Day as the community nurses are having a well earned day off. However we are hopeful this will mean that we can still go away for a few days at New Year as was planned and booked before all this happened. 

We wish you all a Merry Christmas, and unless there is any major drama a Happy New Year as I won’t blog again hopefully until we get back from our time away. Keep everything crossed we make it there!! X

Dylan vs Cancer ROUND 2!

Eight weeks ago Dylan had a CT scan as part of his transplant reassessment. It was his first one in 2.5 years and although he had been having 6 monthly x-rays we were eager to see the changes properly as they x-rays weren’t very clear to interpret. At first glance it all looked good, some cysts has shrunk and some had gone completely so there was more scar tissue. Great stuff.. so we thought anyway!

Then the bad news came, firstly via a very poorly worded letter that prompted us phoning multiple times. Then two personal phone calls, one from his Oncologist and then one from the Doctor in charge of his transplant review at Great Ormond Street.

On their second review of his scan they found a brand new lesion (which in this case is a hole) in his T10 vertebrae. And on their third review of his scan they did in fact discover some small new lung cysts.

His cancer had reactivated in his lungs and in his spine. We were unsure if he originally had a T1 issue but this one was all new and a total game changer. It meant no contact sports or games according to his Physio. 

Then came the waiting game... we decided not to tell Dylan, or the other boys straightaway, so therefore we have kept all this fairly quiet. Dylan has struggled a lot lately with his emotions and PTSD for various reasons and actually had a huge breakdown during his scan. It was pointless worrying him for weeks on end without all the facts, plus we were due to go to Disneyland that very weekend so we wanted to give them all a happy memory not tainted with fear of the future.

The days following Disneyland involved lots and lots of phonecalls for everybody. Nottingham had a hard time getting hold of the scans for most of the week sadly which held up the process slightly. We got a few tidbits of advice which helped but we were just worrying constantly. Then we started to question every muscle pain, increased heart rate, fluid input and output. We wondered had we missed some subtle symptoms or had we all mistaken them for his EDS/Hypermobilty when really it was LCH all along?

When Nottingham Children’s eventually got a hold of the scan (I won’t go into a rant about a certain other hospital on here as much as I want to) they infact found another vertebrae to be affected. The CT scan that Dylan had was only of the chest area to check his lungs originally, so there was only so much of the spine that could be seen. Due to this and some symptoms Dylan might have been showing, it was decided a full skeletal survey was needed to assess the extent of the damage to his spine and any other bones. That was booked in for the 8th of October and an MRI was booked in for the 16th under GA to scan his brain and pituitary gland during which he also had a tumour marker blood test sent off to GOSH. At this point we decided to tell Dylan as he was starting to question what all the tests were for. There a few tears at first but he quickly decided he was excited to choose new fabrics for wiggly bags!

A clinic appointment on the 18th revealed that at first glance his MRI looked fine, although it did show some damage from back when he was on life support which we always suspected anyway as he has a few issues such as not regulating body temperature properly and his emotions. The full in depth report would take two weeks however. A repeat CT and tumour marker test were ordered to see if we could be sure his new lesions were active as they couldn’t be seen on any of the x-rays due to them being so small. We knew they weren’t on the CT back in February 2017 but realistically they could have occurred at any point after that. We were hoping a short gap and a rescan would show enough changes to be able to accurately judge if they were active but biopsy hadn’t been ruled out at that point. 

The reason we needed to be so thorough with the checks was to make sure he was on the correct treatment as lesions respond different to certain treatments depending on where they are. What would easily treat his spinal involvement would probably not treat his lungs for example. But if his lungs lesions weren’t active anymore then he could go on a much kinder treatment with less side effects. It was felt that at the moment, the new cysts were small enough not to be a worry, so a few extra weeks of waiting for more definitive answers wasn’t going to harm him really. Plus he was pleased to get a few extra weeks of normality, especially as it was nearly Halloween and there was lots of fun stuff going on!

He had a second scan in the half term holiday and we got the results a week later. Between the two scans there was definitely lung changes and another new vertebrae on his spine was quite badly damaged even causing a loss of height. Whatever was going on it was progressing fast in his spine at least to have pretty much destroyed another vertebrae in matter of weeks!!

It has now been finally decided that he will be having a Hickman line in and going back onto the same treatment as before for approximately two years, starting from next week hopefully. The spinal team are also going to be involved so we’ll soon find out what we do with regards to that damage. We were just glad to finally have a plan after weeks of waiting and Dylan has already had time to process it all so at the moment is handling it fairly well but of course that may change when it all starts.

We are devastated that he is having to go through this all again. I once was told with Histio it’s not a case of ‘if’ it comes back it’s ‘when’.. I just hoped we would get a few more years free from it. It also makes you wonder how many times he is going to get it and at what point is it going to become too much? Suddenly the anxiety for the future is back and the blissfully trying to live for each moment has been temporarily put on hold...

Expect more blog posts from us in the near future with updates and information, we need a bit of time to get everything in order now we have a date and a schedule but once it’s all go I’m sure I’ll be back to vent about what it going on and share it all with the world to help keep me sane over the next few years!

Mickey’s New Year Party

We returned home Friday from another wonderful (and exhausting) trip to Disneyland Paris for New Years and I wanted to write a little about it and what Disney means to us. .

It’s hard to explain the way that Disneyland makes you feel to those that haven’t experienced it. Especially for those of us that have faced trauma and hardship in life, it is an escape from the real world and all the problems in it. Once you walk through those turnstiles you leave your worries at the gates as you are drawn into the magic of it all. Walking down main street to the tune of it’s cheery music, seeing each specially designed pristine store front, the horse drawn tram, the paddy wagon, the old style cars. The characters around each corner ready to greet you with a smile and open arms. The beautiful sparkling castle that is strategically placed to catch even the smallest ounce of sunlight. It’s the stuff dreams are made of and where your world is a fantasy! Everything is carefully created to feel as if you’ve stepped into the pages of a book or a movie, and you’ll often see grown adults with tears in their eyes as it can be overwhelming at first.

Back when Dylan came off life support he had a wish granted by Make A Wish which as some of you know was for a Disney trip. This however, was put on hold for over a year due to his health, so when we finally made it in the summer of 2017 it was like a dream come true and it reignited my love for Disney that is for sure!

Whilst in hospital Dylan was mostly bed bound and passed the time watching Disney movies, these bought him comfort during tough times and provided him the chance to dream big. Even when on life support we played his three favourites on loop to him, which we think he heard as he talks about being able to ‘hear but not see’. Bryce also was able to connect with his brother watching these movies, and try to retain some innocence whilst dealing with such an adult situation. 

This is why when we visited Disney it was so emotional for us all. We never thought he would make it and to have him there with us and his then two brothers was just amazing. Seeing him react to things from his favourite movies and meeting the characters, letting him go on rides, watching Bryce smile again and act carefree.. these were just some of the things that made us realise we wanted to go back sooner rather than later!

When we planned our February 2018 trip, as I’ve written about before, it worked out most cost effective to buy annual passes and book the hotel using their discount. This meant we could also make future trips so it was a win win situation. This trip was also the first time we thought about New Years Eve.

When watching the stunt show, Dylan was devastated as Lightening McQueen wasn’t in it.. I knew from previous years that he drove down Main Street for the New Years Parade so I started researching it all. He was back in the show by our April trip but it was a much smaller segment sadly than it use to be. Cars 1 & 2 were two of Dylan’s favourite films and he quoted lines from them all the time! These were also two of the films we played to him on whilst he was on life support. We never though he would see the third installment and I actually cried when we took them to watch it at the cinema. His bedroom is all Lightening McQueen, he had a Cars bed at the time and he even requested a ‘Fabulous Lightening McQueen’ teddy for finishing treatment. His face absolutely lit up when he drove toward us on New Years and when he turned and flashed his headlights in his direction I thought he was going to explode with excitement!

The other deciding factor for a New Years trip was that I had heard through the grapevine that the characters from Big Hero 6 would be there, in fact we nearly drove across at Halloween to catch them! Big Hero 6 was Dylan’s other favourite movie at the time, and still is. He liked the fact that Baymax was made to help people ‘feel better’ and he had a Baymax soft toy that went to all his scans alongside his favourite Mickey Mouse teddy. He was very excited to see the posters as we walked into the theatre and he was fixated the whole show. The only thing that would have been even better would have been the chance to meet Baymax like you can in America. Now the series is on Disney XD there is hope though, so fingers crossed for that one!

Despite it being really busy the trip was worth it, the boys even got to meet their two favourite Star Wars characters; Chewbacca and R2D2, who aren’t usually at the park day to day. On New Years Day due to the older boys green cards (I won’t explain why Bryce now has one as it’s too personal to write online) we were waiting to board the Molly Brown riverboat first and a cast member offered them the chance to steer the boat! This was an amazing experience for them and they both got certificates which will be treasured. Later on that day we got a call from the hotel stating there was a surprise envelope for Dylan when we got back that evening. It turned out we had been chosen to receive some ‘Pixie Dust’ the next day, where a cast member personally escorted us around to meet all the characters in the Disneyland Park area. This was amazing and so invaluable to us. Even with a green card we always struggle with character meets, the queuing for the very limited time slots and then the set times to go back can be difficult for somebody whose illness can be unpredictable. There have been occasions we’ve missed our time slots due to being in the bathrooms dealing with issues or because he is too tired. Even with his wheelchair waiting can be difficult for him in the cold of December so we need to be careful. And don’t even get me started on the Lineberty app in Studios!

When people hear we’ve renewed our passes and are going again we get the inevitable comments.. ‘Your going to Disney again?’ but they don’t understand. Plus it’s not like we can jet off to Spain, Greece, Australia, America for a few weeks like other people. In total last year we spent 21 days at Disney so the equivalent of a three week holiday abroad, and because of the amazing pass discounts and tips we’ve learnt (like staying in a Disney hotel overrides any ‘black out’ days on the lower price passes) we probably haven’t spent much more either. These short trips to Disney are easy for us to control, they provide a safe environment where we know all the safety and emergency information. They have services and facilities to accommodate Dylan’s needs and we can take everything we need in our car without having to struggle. It’s our happy place, our second home, a place that brings us comfort and joy to our children so yes we will be going back in a few months and no we aren’t sorry! And if anybody else is thinking about doing it but overwhelmed with the planning or costs, speak to us and we can let you know the secrets to saving money..