Mummy Breakdown..

This last few days have been TOUGH..

Dylan has developed a bit of a cold and has been tired and run down at points which has made him super stroppy and grumpy. He has a tendency to hold his breath when he has a tantrum and these are becoming daily events, sometimes two or three times a day. I know lots of children go through this phase but it is particularly scary when Dylan does it as it makes me have flashbacks of the 10th of February and the 18th of March. Plus we know he has a reduced lung capacity so potentially cannot recuperate as quickly from these episodes. They really frighten and upset me every time he does it to the point the other night where I had a complete emotional breakdown afterwards.

His behaviour has been appalling over the weekend to be truthful and it's exhausting. Whether that be down to the steroids, him feeling tired and run down or him generally just pushing his boundaries with being allowed to get away with so much in hospital I don't know but it is gradually wearing me down now. He has been so so poorly and we nearly lost him so many times that it breaks my heart keep having to get cross with him and tell him off but it really is getting out of hand now. Then when he is in bed at night I feel like the worst mother in the world and worry if anything happens to him when all I've done is shout all day that I would never forgive myself..

The nights that Mike is working I've barely slept until he gets in at 4am.. I can't relax I just keep worrying about the 'what ifs' and 'how would I cope on my own' and I have actually gone to bed in my clothes just incase of such issues.

I have also cried, a lot... it's finally all just hit me after being strong for so long since he recovered from Easter and having put it all behind me the last few weeks, it's now all come flooding back and my anxiety is horrendous now Mike is back at work. I'm constantly checking him over and second guessing myself when I was so much more relaxed last week. I feel so stressed and upset all the time, and a little bit like I'm just constantly waiting for something bad to happen..

My blood pressure is sky high on and off, whether that is stress or pre-eclampsia again I don't know but luckily I'm on the home stretch now. I've finally started attempting to get some thing ready for Logan's arrival and am trying to actually use his name more instead of just saying 'baby' to see if that helps it sink in.. it just doesn't feel real that we are about to have another baby! This pregnancy had pretty much been ignored whilst dealing with Dylan and whilst it was very much planned and wanted from the start, I can't pretend that had we known how poorly Dylan was we would still be doing this and it certainly puts a dampener on feelings of joy.

I went for a clinic appointment today to supposedly get my c-section date.. I had both my midwife and our Macmillan nurse phone ahead on my behalf and explain the situation yet I get there and the consultant knew nothing about it. They are fully booked the week I need booking in for so I have no date still I have got to await a phone call which means I cannot organise any care for Dylan! They also won't give me a set time despite being told to do so, that means realistically I will be there on my own for the whole thing whilst Mike sits with Dylan at home until I am moved onto the ward. The thought of having a c-section on my own completely terrifies me. Then to add to it all the consultant asked me (because of this being our third child) if I would like sterilising at the same time!! Now.. previous to all this with Dylan I would have said yes probably but given the circumstances and how we have nearly lost Dylan repeatedly I do not feel this was an appropriate question and I left in tears.

I feel constantly like I'm waiting.. for something to go wrong, for another lung collapse, for him to get sick, for something to be wrong with this pregnancy, for my c-section which truthfully terrifies me.. All the things going through my head right now are making it hard to relax and focus on the good times and the happiness of having Dylan home. Every day really is a blessing and I feel that's all being overshadowed by this overwhelming anxiety and stress and I wish I could switch it off..