It is not just soldiers that suffer from PTSD unfortunately..
PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so surely that signifies that anybody that has experienced something traumatic in their lives could suffer with this correct? Victims of abuse, extreme tragedy or distressing events can suffer from this horrible mental illness but it isn't talked about. Often parents of children with life threatening illnesses suffer in silence as it is taboo to talk about your mental health it seems when your child is the one with the "actual illness" which I've put into quotation marks because I've actually heard it said out loud!..
This is a mere snippet of what PTSD looks like in our household..
Sleeping in my clothes 'just in case' something happens and I need to phone an ambulance. Waking up repeatedly each night after having nightmares that something has happened or flashbacks of what did happen, that's if I can sleep. Not wanting to leave the house alone because of the fear that something will happen and it'll be all my fault. Checking on him every hour, some nights even sitting by his bed for hours on end..
Constantly reliving every horrible moment over in my head and beating myself up over nearly making the wrong decisons and wondering over the 'what ifs'. The sense of 'impending doom' that something is going to go wrong all the time. Seeing improvement on scans and instead of being happy actually feeling worse and more frightened..
Looking through pictures and wishing you had taken more. Crying, lots and lots of crying. Sitting in silence, not speaking to your partner sometimes because you can't process what is going round in your head..
Shouting at your children for bad behaviour then sitting sobbing wishing you hadn't told them off 'just in case' anything happens to them after the last thing you did was shout. Wanting to sit and hold your children every second of every day and being told you're smothering them..
Over analysing every situation possible to the point it gives you migraines. Pushing people away but being desperate for somebody to talk to. Feeling lost, feeling alone and feeling frightened every single day..
I wish I could write more eloquently and really make people understand how I feel.. but then I wouldn't wish this pain and anxiety on anybody. I just want to let anybody out there suffering from PTSD know that it is okay to talk about it, over and over again if needed. It really is okay to let it all out, and it's okay to get help.. For some people counselling can really help and I urge people not to suffer in silence..
That is why I created this blog, as a place to raise awareness of not only Histiocytosis but all childhood illness and how it effects parents and children. And a place to maybe one day help just one person out there feel that they are not alone..
"PTSD isn't the person refusing to let go of the past, but the past refusing to let go of the person.."
I have just found your blog through a fb media site I follow in NZ. I just want to thank you so much for your words on PTSD in relation to having a chronically ill child. They resonated with me - especially sleeping in your clothes and not wanting to tell your kids off in case something happens and that was the last thing you did. You were eloquent and the way you describe your feelings perfectly reflects the difficulties that some parents face when they have been through the tough stuff with their sick kids. I feel lucky that I have mostly moved past this stage but it only takes one bad day for my son and I can instantly go back to that place where I am consumed with anxiety and that sense of impending doom. I can still recall the odd looks I got from workmates when I told them I'd slept in my clothes last night - but unless they've been in that place with their child, other people can't understand how frightening and traumatic things really get. Thanks again for your words xx
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for you comment. It's nice to know that what I have written reads the way I intended it to. My apologies for the late reply x
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