Changing the Narrative & Taking Control

I am the author of my story. I am changing the narrative and taking back control of my life.

I lost myself a while ago. To the stresses and strains of being a ‘cancer mum’ and an unpaid carer. I tried to use my experiences to raise awareness and to use my voice for good.. But it got spun into a sensationalist story (thanks Daily Fail) that got me abuse and heartache. I then hid in the shadows and let my voice turn to a whisper.

Well NO MORE!

I found myself through running after it first all went down and now after years of working on my own self love, I have finally worked up the confidence to step back out of the shadows. I am changing the narrative to my story. I will use my voice to bring awareness. I will use the opportunities I get to raise vital funds. I will not let childhood cancer win, I will not let PTSD and anxiety win. If my son can fight... THEN SO CAN I!

Watch me, I am going to go far... 

Anxiety & The Subconscious

I just wanted to take some time this morning to share my experience of how anxiety can manifest, even when you think you’ve got it under control.

Last night my husband cooked dinner, he doesn’t do it very often these days since he works a tough job and I’m home all day and get chance to prep things, but I had a terrible migraine so he offered. When we went to bed and fell asleep I had a nightmare that he had left one of the gas hob rings on and the house exploded. I woke up and instantly had to go downstairs and check them and I laughed to myself and thought how that moment of me not controlling a situation led to my anxiety to slip in. It also made me think of all the little things I do without even realising like checking all the doors repeatedly or checking the fire alarm before bed every night.

Last week was also the anniversary of the day Dylan went into respiratory arrest at playgroup and needed CPR, thank you Caroline, we miss you and can’t wait to see you when this is all over. But seriously FIVE whole years.. can you believe it?! That little boy I was told wasn’t going to survive until Dad arrived and was likely brain dead from oxygen starvation is now almost 8 it’s crazy. Anyway, the reason I’m writing about this anniversary is that for the first year ever I actually didn’t register the date. With homeschooling and trying to juggle everything I don’t even know what day of the week it is most days let alone date so I didn’t even notice it this year. However the days leading up to the date I had terrible nightmares about Dylan being on life support etc. When I mentioned it to my husband, he pointed out the date. So even though it wasn’t in the forefront of my mind, my subconscious knew. 

Off the topic of anxiety, yesterday was international childhood Cancer day and lots of people took to social media to share their stories or symptoms and I chose not to. I am in a better headspace (well at least consciously) than ever before and I don’t feel rehashing it all would be particularly helpful. As we approach Easter weekend it’s always a hard time for us as a family and we get bombarded with people sharing Facebook memories and posts they sent us when Dylan was on life support the second time, and it is hard to not let anxiety and PTSD take over without fueling the fire more.

We are keeping busy, keeping active and staying safe and that’s all a lot of us can do right now in this pandemic. Speak soon guys.. take care!

Overdue Update

It occurred to me late last night that I haven’t blogged in so long! Between living through a pandemic and homeschooling three children I’ve let things slip it’s true. When I first started blogging it was a release for me, to put the things I was feeling down and get it out of my system. Then when Dylan finished treatment the first time I started running and found a new escape and a love for exercise, so writing took a back burner as I didn’t need it in the same way.

Despite the challenges that 2020 bought I am proud of all I achieved, I managed to finish my level three teaching assistant course, and I ran lots, including the virtual Race to The Stones 100K and the virtual London Marathon. My eldest ran with me and got up to six miles, he has continued this and wants to do a 15K this spring.

But I think the biggest achievement of 2020 has to go to Dylan.. as he finished treatment again! Yep that’s right.. Surprise! Bet you thought we had another year left of Chemotherapy didn’t you?.. So did we!! It turned out on doing his 12 month review that he didn’t actually relapse in his lungs like a certain other hospital originally noted, it was isolated to his spine. Had this been confirmed at the start he probably would have had a different type of chemo but at least the one he did have we knew the side effects from last time. That being said, because it is a stronger chemo it was deemed twelve months was sufficient. His recent MRI looked great, lots of healing going on and no signs of active disease so he is NAD (no active disease) status!!

A extra big thank you to End of Treatment Bells for loaning us a bell so he could celebrate this momentous occasion at home with us all in November. Because of Covid restrictions it wasn’t possible for more than one parent to accompany him to the ward and of course we all wanted to hear him ring the bell. When he saw his professor and got the good news I was lucky enough to be called on speaker by dad so I could hear it. They had gone for Chemo and been told that the consultant wanted to see him so I worried it was bad news from the MRI and panicked when my phone rang but luckily it wasn’t and I believe I screamed out loud! 

As 2021 begins we are of course back in Lockdown and homeschooling again. For me I am using RED January as a way to keep my mind healthy as well as my body. RED January was started to encourage people to be active everyday and raise money to support those with mental health problems through exercise. Check out Sport in Mind to see what they do. 

Speak soon xoxo