I just wanted to take some time this morning to share my experience of how anxiety can manifest, even when you think you’ve got it under control.
Last night my husband cooked dinner, he doesn’t do it very often these days since he works a tough job and I’m home all day and get chance to prep things, but I had a terrible migraine so he offered. When we went to bed and fell asleep I had a nightmare that he had left one of the gas hob rings on and the house exploded. I woke up and instantly had to go downstairs and check them and I laughed to myself and thought how that moment of me not controlling a situation led to my anxiety to slip in. It also made me think of all the little things I do without even realising like checking all the doors repeatedly or checking the fire alarm before bed every night.
Last week was also the anniversary of the day Dylan went into respiratory arrest at playgroup and needed CPR, thank you Caroline, we miss you and can’t wait to see you when this is all over. But seriously FIVE whole years.. can you believe it?! That little boy I was told wasn’t going to survive until Dad arrived and was likely brain dead from oxygen starvation is now almost 8 it’s crazy. Anyway, the reason I’m writing about this anniversary is that for the first year ever I actually didn’t register the date. With homeschooling and trying to juggle everything I don’t even know what day of the week it is most days let alone date so I didn’t even notice it this year. However the days leading up to the date I had terrible nightmares about Dylan being on life support etc. When I mentioned it to my husband, he pointed out the date. So even though it wasn’t in the forefront of my mind, my subconscious knew.
Off the topic of anxiety, yesterday was international childhood Cancer day and lots of people took to social media to share their stories or symptoms and I chose not to. I am in a better headspace (well at least consciously) than ever before and I don’t feel rehashing it all would be particularly helpful. As we approach Easter weekend it’s always a hard time for us as a family and we get bombarded with people sharing Facebook memories and posts they sent us when Dylan was on life support the second time, and it is hard to not let anxiety and PTSD take over without fueling the fire more.
We are keeping busy, keeping active and staying safe and that’s all a lot of us can do right now in this pandemic. Speak soon guys.. take care!
