Flashbacks & Nightmares

For those that have suffered a traumatic event it is often not worry of the future that keeps them awake at night, but flashbacks of the past..

Of course the worry of the future is still always there but in our heads we can rationalise that. We can tell ourself things will be ok and talk ourselves through all the reasons why or the proof of improvement. You see those suffering, loosing their fight, living in pain everyday and you can tell yourself to be thankful and grateful because every day is a blessing and others out there have it so much worse.

But the past has a way of creeping up on you, catching you off guard, and sometimes taking your breath away and setting your heart racing. You cannot control that, you cannot talk yourself down from the ledge because sometimes you don't know what put you there. You just need to ride out the storm..

For me personally the flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse as we approach the holiday season. I think this is because it is where it all began for us and the fact that we have been told numerous times that Dylan wouldn't be here this Christmas. Even back in January, before there were any 'real' life threatening moments we were advised he may not see out this year.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen making ham and cheese sandwiches to take out with us.. All the Christmas decorations are up like they remained throughout early January last year.. I suddenly got a flashback of making ham and cheese sandwiches to take to the hospital D ward and put in their sandwich toaster! Sounds silly and just like a normal memory right?.. but it caught me completely off guard and instead of feeling like a memory it felt as if I was back in that moment and sheer panic came over me and my heart started racing. Until I heard Dylan playing in the lounge which snapped me out of it!

This happens at night, most nights.. I will dream I am asleep in the parent room around the corner from PICU and I'll wake up in a cold sweat panicking that I've got to get back to his bedside until my eyes adjust and I realise I am at home. I also sometimes dream that he didn't make it, like last night. Not a dream that something will happen in the future, it's never ever about the future, it's the past that haunts me. Waking me up scared from a dream that he didn't make it, looking around the room, checking he is in his bed, realising it is just a dream then falling back asleep and slipping straight back into that same dream. It is exhausting..

Of course Dylan is doing great. There is no clinical reason that I should be worrying about him at this moment.. I don't always post updates at the moment because it is a lot the same week in week out. Bloods on a Monday each week then one week of Chemotherapy which runs Tuesday to Friday now then a two week break. Sometimes his blood counts are normal, sometimes they are low. Sometimes he is tired, sometimes he feels sick. He has had numerous viruses (thanks nursery and school) but is handling them surprisingly okay. We haven't needed to go back on any oxygen in almost three months. Sats are good, appetite is mostly good. He is having physio still and progressingly slowly but surely. He is settled into nursery and doing well. These things all help keep my anxiety about his future in check and live in the moment, blissfully! I am a realist and I know things can change and something small could tip the scales but life is about living and not letting the worry of the future control you. I just wish the past would leave me alone now!!