Feeling Isolated

I'm starting to really see the effects Dylan's illness has had on Bryce as we approach the end of term activities. I'm lucky that he is a very outgoing boy and will often just invite himself into the group to play without a second thought, but as an outsider I can see the awkwardness of the situation. They all have their little cliques and friendship groups and I feel we are slightly isolated from those.

When everything first happened with Dylan it put a stop to plans we had for Bryce as well. He wasn't able to attend birthday parties as we were stuck in ICU with Dylan, so the invites soon stopped. He couldn't attend the out of school clubs because we couldn't afford it at the time due to the costs of hospital travel etc, plus we were already relying on other people to drop him off and collect him from school, we couldn't really ask they give up their evenings and weekends as well to ferry him to football or Beavers for example.

Once things settled down and Dylan came home I signed Bryce up for Beavers and every school subsidised club going but he struggled to mingle with the other children as they had already moved on and formed their new friendship groups whilst our lives had screeched to a halt. The one thing we didn't sign him up for was football because I was very aware how 'behind' all his peers he would be unlike with Beavers where they all do the same activity each week. 

And that was probably my biggest mistake.. he hates that he doesn't go to football with his friends but it's just not feasible either with Mike's shifts. All his 'friends' attend clubs he doesn't or have been spending time together outside school when he was stuck at Nanna's house for months on end. They seem to all have formed a strong bond as have the parents, people I thought I got on well with and vice versa barely speak to me these days..

When Dylan was first poorly I really struggled with the school run (I still do on bad days) and didn't want to talk to anybody at first so I kept my head down and stayed in the corner, but I can see how this hasn't helped because I just don't have a relationship with the parents of Bryce's friends. I stay in my comfort zone and only talk to the two or three people that I know which isn't helping Bryce. Whilst their children ARE friends with him, they aren't the friends he would play with at say lunchtime, because they are all girls and have their own games and groups of friends of course.

I do the same with Dylan though. I don't really talk to anybody at nursery because I hate talking about Dylan's illness and that is all people want to talk about!!! And with Logan.. I've actually stopped taking Logan to playgroup the last two months because I'm sick of being introduced to people as ''Dylan the boy who collapsed and nearly died's mum." Ugh!!

I am starting to feel very isolated. I've kept people at arms length because of how I've been feeling, and in turn people have done the same to me because nobody knows what to say to that depressed 'Cancer mum'. Everybody has gone about their lives meeting up, doing playdates, football, days out, nights out etc. while I've been stuck staring at four walls of either a hospital ward or this house.

I only hope that moving to Junior school may provide some fresh faces and a fresh start for Bryce. And I need to try and pull myself out of this depression and try for my children's sake to make friends. Feeling pretty terrible as a parent this week that's for sure..