GOSH Appointment

Dylan's transplant assesment date has been confirmed today as the 22nd of February, two days after Bryce's birthday.

We've been advised to travel down on the 21st and prepare to stay until the 25th. Aside from all the tests, part of the assesment includes counselling for myself and Mike.

I am scared.. scared they might have some results back by then, but also scared they still won't know. Scared they are going to tell us our beautiful brave boy needs a transplant and scared of the risks. Scared they are going to tell us what we both fear deep down, that even with a transplant his life expectancy is short. Scared they'll tell us he can't have a transplant. Scared his condition is terminal, which part of us already suspects. Scared they will shatter our naive illusions of false hope...

I don't know how to deal with all this, I don't want to deal with all this!

I don't want to outlive my child, I don't want to imagine a day without him.. a day where I can't see his beautiful smile, kiss him, hold him and run my fingers through his hair. Smell him, tickle him, bath him, play games with him. I've made almost 3 years worth of memories with him, got to know his cheeky character and love him more every day and I want that to continue not be torn away!

I don't want to have to tell his brother that he is leaving us. I don't want to break his little heart! He will miss the giggles as Dylan crawls into his bed, the cuddles and kisses, the Baymax fist bumps and high fives. He will miss holding his hand on the school run, he will miss the dressing up, the puzzles and games. He will miss every single part of him and it's so unfair.

We will not only loose a child, we will have another that is broken.. and who knows how old Logan might be when that day comes. Will he miss his big brother? Will he be sad for hardly knowing him? Will he be too small for Bryce's attention? Will his childhood be spoilt with countless doctors and hospital visits, and two parents that are grieving?

There is no 'right' time to loose a child.. but I can't help thinking how this is all the 'wrong' timing with Logan on the way and Bryce still so young and innocent. I fear for my children more than myself..

This can't be happening, it can't be real!

Help me...